Going Through The Most

Post-transplant I had to learn how to look at my self differently, I have gone through different phases in my journey. Learning that I would have a scar of my body that would mostly be visible, I had plans of getting a tattoo to hide it, I’ve now learnt to love it, its a reminder to me of what I’ve gone through but also it makes me even more unique, not many people can say they have had a liver transplant.  I read a study of someone calls Kubler- Ross, he looks at the different stages of grief, Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance. The beginning of the journey in the hospital was surreal, it all happened quickly and I didn’t have much time to process the situation at all I couldn’t comprehend that I had someone else liver inside me and that my liver had been sent off for research.  I came home and was in a state of shock as the days went on I became angrier with everything that was going on. I remember having a conversation about it with my mum as...

I’ve had many people tell me over the years to tell the story I have been going through, I wasn’t comfortable to tell anyone what I was going through.  In April 2017 I was baptised, I had felt that at this point in my life I had gone through so much, I had been in situations where I couldn’t even deny that there was a God. Although my battle with the illnesses continued I put my life in God's hands and asked for forgiveness and to be reborn. The baptism was the first time I opened up about the things I was going through, I had a lot of issues and I felt as if I had to release some of the troubles I was going through. It felt good as if a load lifted off of my shoulders, and from this point, I tried to be transparent as possible.  But I still had difficulties in other parts of my life letting people know how I felt. The relationship I was I seemed perfect we had good days and bad like most couples but overall we were both happy. When Ulcerative Colitis (UC) was a...

When you go through a situation that is life-changing you can’t help but look to past moments where things were better. I try not to have regrets but I do wish that in those moments that I was better that I took more time to do the things that I enjoyed. I spent a lot of my time working and doing things for others I never really done anything for myself.  Whilst in hospital I took the time to look at myself and see what I had achieved, and although I was proud with what I had done for myself I felt that I wasn’t in the place where I thought I would be everything had drastically changed. I was at a place where I was sitting in the ward and had lost confidence in myself, I had no sense of normality. Things that I wanted to do I may not ever be able to do. I was learning to inject insulin when my blood sugar levels were too high. The new diabetes diagnoses brought a kind of chaos. My mum was so very worried she couldn’t comprehend what I was now going through. I was getting frustrated...

Writing is my new outlet but each time I write I realise how much I hold on to, as I started the blog it became something I wanted to do to just share my story. I’ve now found that it is something I need to do with each blog more tears stream down my face, emotions I feel I can’t express in any other way. I don’t know my path or what is meant to come from me writing these blogs, I hope it helps someone. But I know know that it is helping me, to sit and think about what has gone on in the last 6 months. This journey has brought me closer to family and friends I have been able to see things differently and take life as it is and be thankful for what I have and who I have around me. Life is short as hell, and we are all seeing that within this crazy time we are all living in. I usually sit up at early hours in the mornings writing these blogs because I just can’t seem to sleep anymore, it's been like this since I went into the hospital. It is said that when someone else's or...

The surgery was said to take around 6-8 hours, I woke up on Sunday morning/afternoon after just under 5 hours. I have little memory of when I came out. Friends and family have given me different accounts of the day I came out of surgery. From the operating theatre, I was brought to the intensive care unit. Only two people were allowed to visit at a time. My family who accompanied me to the hospital the previous day had stayed at the hospital all night whilst the surgery was going on. I was so out of it from the drugs they had given me, that all day I was in and out of sleep. I remember opening my eyes at times and seeing and recognising certain people. I remember having a moment when I opened my eyes and saw my ex-girlfriend I smiled as I didn’t expect her to be there. Every person I saw I was appreciative of the time they had given up for me. Now knowing that I had so many people waiting with me in the hospital whilst the surgery went on makes me feel emotional, its difficult to desc...

Being told I was having a transplant was difficult to process. I tried to acknowledge and understand how serious things were I didn’t want to believe what was going on. It is difficult to describe my emotions, I know that I was angry I didn’t have an outlet and kept most of my feelings to myself, I closed up and tried to forget about it. I felt as though I was going through a lot of stress, I had been going through a break up that I struggled with a lot. I was having issues at work. I wanted to give up on everything. I felt worthless in every aspect of my life. I couldn’t find a reason to do anything I mostly stayed in my room, I tried so hard to keep motivated.  Eventually, I found I was hiding from all my problems, I took more shifts at work to take my mind off off everything that was going on. Although I felt as though my health was getting worse, I was getting more tired, had had more pains in the abdominal area, I was advised to cut down at work and decided to take sh...

The hardest thing about going through such challenges is feeling like you are alone in the world. I had all the sympathy and support from friends and family but no one knew what I was going through. Knowing and hearing from people who had the same or similar conditions helped me to get through certain situations. It gave me such a relief when talking to someone who was going through the same thing because they knew what I was going through, they could relate in a way that others couldn’t. The Ulcerative Colitis was under control, the liver conditions would flare up sometimes I was admitted into hospital when this happened whilst they were able to get it controlled through medication. Symptoms of liver disease now became more tangible. My eyes were visibly yellow all the time my skin was bad, ashy and dark. At all times I had an unbearable itch. Sleeping became a luxury because I would wake myself up itching myself. Bed sheets would often have bloodstains on them from itching so bad ...