Kubler Ross

Post-transplant I had to learn how to look at my self differently, I have gone through different phases in my journey. Learning that I would have a scar of my body that would mostly be visible, I had plans of getting a tattoo to hide it, I’ve now learnt to love it, its a reminder to me of what I’ve gone through but also it makes me even more unique, not many people can say they have had a liver transplant. 

I read a study of someone calls Kubler- Ross, he looks at the different stages of grief, Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance.

The beginning of the journey in the hospital was surreal, it all happened quickly and I didn’t have much time to process the situation at all I couldn’t comprehend that I had someone else liver inside me and that my liver had been sent off for research. 

I came home and was in a state of shock as the days went on I became angrier with everything that was going on. I remember having a conversation about it with my mum as I was going through each stage. I found it hard identifying which stage I was in. I now realise that I was going through grief In both the surgery and the break up of my relationship, it seemed as if I got through denial and then it started all over again. 

I recognised that I could no longer be in denial of both the break-up and the surgery. As the head, both happened and I had to accept both situations, but I was frustrated. I was angry at God as I didn’t know why he would put me through these trials I didn’t think I was strong enough to endure the situations that were going on. I was upset with my ex because although she was there for me through what I was going through in hospital I felt she had given up, I couldn’t come to terms of the pain I was going through physically and mentally.

I started to think of times that were better for me, I missed spending time with my nephew, he came to spend a weekend with us when I came out of the hospital, it was one thing I wanted to feel some type of normal, he was one person who could lift my mood as I don’t get to spend much time with him, he is very caring and tried to understand what I was going through, we would usually play fight and play football or different games but he recognised that this couldn’t happen because I had just had the surgery.

I started to notice, that I was becoming depressed, I was sad and didn’t want to do anything, I stayed in my room for quite a while I was barely eating I felt as if nothing was going my way, I started to withdraw from family and friends. But as I recognised these as my triggers I fought it, as going through depression some years ago it damaged some of my relationships and I didn’t want to be in that frame of mind again. I began to talk to people about it and used writing these blogs as a way to vent and offload the issues I was going through.

I finally reached the stage of acceptance. I could recognise what I had gone through and that I was okay with it, I began noticing that I couldn’t change anything and that I wanted to get on with my life in a way that I would be happy, life is so precious and although I have always taken a moment to be appreciative of what I have it made me think harder about my reasoning for being in the world. losing loved ones and seeing that others had lost I truly questioned why I was still here, I wondered why God had given me another opportunity and not people who I felt would give more to the world than me. 

I have made it a goal of myself to enjoy life and experience the wonders of the world and give back, I want to set an example that life is more than the things that we usually worry about. The things that I had put first in my life, Work, Clubbing, Money, clothes etc these things don’t matter anymore. I want to travel, learn new things and spread love. I have a big heart and a lot of love to give, I care about people and want to have opportunities to make people happy.

As I've said a few times in my posts I have been asked or told to create a blog for a while. One saying my mum likes to use is “nothing before its time” and I think it has been important for me to start during this period it's given me something to focus on and I’ve loved writing them. Since having the surgery I have been quite open about the operation and what I’ve been through, but I’ve noticed when speaking to people who I think I have a connection with I’ve refrained from telling them. Although I know its part of me and there's no hiding I think there's a part of me that doesn’t want to scare them off, but I also feel I have an obligation as it gives them a choice whether they want to continue speaking to me if they can “handle” it. 

I always wondered how friends and family felt about me going through the illness having a friend, son, brother, nephew, uncle of someone who had an illness like the one I have. Was it frustrating when I always said I was fine/okay but then months later finding out I was going for a transplant? 

How would you react to speaking to someone then finding out they have had a transplant, would that scare you or intrigue you? 

Thank you for reading 

Love & Guidance 

Keiran x