Traumatised

When you go through a situation that is life-changing you can’t help but look to past moments where things were better. I try not to have regrets but I do wish that in those moments that I was better that I took more time to do the things that I enjoyed. I spent a lot of my time working and doing things for others I never really done anything for myself. 

Whilst in hospital I took the time to look at myself and see what I had achieved, and although I was proud with what I had done for myself I felt that I wasn’t in the place where I thought I would be everything had drastically changed. I was at a place where I was sitting in the ward and had lost confidence in myself, I had no sense of normality. Things that I wanted to do I may not ever be able to do.

I was learning to inject insulin when my blood sugar levels were too high. The new diabetes diagnoses brought a kind of chaos. My mum was so very worried she couldn’t comprehend what I was now going through. I was getting frustrated and anxious because it wasn’t clear how I was going to live with diabetes. I had only limited knowledge of what diabetes was and what came to mind was knowing that the sugar intact would have to decrease. 

I suppose I am stubborn, I am fine getting on and doing things that need to be done but when I am being told to do something it triggers a rebellious side to me, each day I would have family members and nurses coming in and giving different advice on what foods to eat and not to eat. At first, I took on board but after a while, I stopped listening. As I was more mobile this time I was in the hospital, I would take trips to the coffee shop that was in the hospital and order caramel lattes, buy crisps, jam doughnuts. I felt as though I was able to control the sugar levels with the insulin that I was taking. 

Being in hospital this time around was very difficult, I didn’t anticipate how long that I would be in there I assumed it would have been for a day or two while they taught me how to use the insulin injections properly and also find the right dosage of insulin would be good for me. I stayed in the hospital for maybe just over a week. I could see that my mum was extremely tired, she was making journeys to see me most days. The feelings of being alone were there during my second stay in the hospital, I didn’t tell many people that I was back in the hospital because I didn’t think I would be in there long. I didn’t want to disrupt anyone I felt as if at that time I didn’t have anyone I could call on just to talk because I felt as if I was bringing negative energy when speaking to people. Everyone was busy and I didn’t want to disturb anyone. 

I spent my days watching movies, listening to music and sleeping, the days that I was in there felt like they were never-ending. I was given a release date for the 14th of January. Hearing the news that I could go home I was pleased but there was also a feeling of false hope, as the last time I left the hospital I was back there two weeks later. My mum collected me during the evening and I was finally home. I say that this is when I was put in my own lockdown, as it was advised from consultants that I should avoid crowded places, they’re certain foods I wasn’t allowed to eat, and food that I did have had to be cooked fresh each day I wasn’t supposed to eat food that may have been prepared the previous day. 

I was glad to be out of the hospital back in my room, things were still painful for me, I had to go to dressing clinic once a week to make sure I was keeping my wounds clean enough and they were healing properly. Each day I was feeling slightly better, and each opportunity I got I would try and push the boundaries at first I started to head for walks, and then I would accompany my mum on visits to family members homes, then I started to keep more confidence and went out by myself to friends houses finally I felt that I wanted to go to eat at one of my favourite restaurants. I was excited that I was starting to get my independence back. 

It was now February, which was one of my favourite months, I would always look forward as it was the month of valentines and my ex’s birthday. I am someone who loves to give and treat those I care about. But this February was different as we had separate months before my surgery. I struggled and I spent a lot of days watching crap TV and on my phone. I had lost my appetite from eating so much whilst being in the hospital to just about having one meal a day. I tried everything I possibly could to keep motivated and not fall into depression. But it was difficult to find things to do as I couldn’t do the things that may have distracted me in the past such as work.

During this time I decided to start planning my future, I had signed up to do a teaching English as a foreign language, I wanted to experience things I hadn’t done yet, I planned to complete the course and travel the world with this new qualification that would allow me to work as well. Little did I know that my lockdown was just beginning and the whole world would stop because of a new pandemic.  

Love & Guidance 

Keiran x