I started writing blogs at the height of the lockdown, whilst we were told to stay inside due to the horrible virus that was ruining lives and making people unwell. It began as a task to keep occupied as I was out of work at the time and also recovering from surgery. I found that I would write when I was unable to sleep and would finish writing when the summer sun rose in the early hours of the morning. My reason for writing began to change as I started to get feedback from friends and family. I noticed that people wanted to hear my story and they were invested in how I continued my journey.
When the lockdown period ended so did my writing, I began to meet up with friends and family and no longer felt the personal need to express how I felt at that present time. I would pick up the blogs again when I was going through a difficult time after a break up of a relationship. With this, I slowly began to realise how much writing blogs was helping me get through difficult periods in my life.
I have been trying to understand what I want from writing these blogs as it does seem as though I only write when I am going through a difficult time. For me, I have noticed that writing has become a way to express my feelings, but also I am giving people information about the illnesses I have. I can educate people who may not have known about autoimmune diseases.
When I completed the series of events that happened to me over the Christmas period I thought I would be done writing until the next hospital visit, “break up” or next experience that would lead to needing to vent. The pattern I have experienced previously is that I would go through a situation, be sad or annoyed about that situation, write a blog and most of the time I would feel better about it. I would feel a sense of enlightenment as a weight is lifted off of my shoulders, but this time I felt sad and I could feel myself falling into darkness.
I have been through and dealt with depression previously, but this time I felt it was different. With previous experiences with depression, it felt as if I was sad for only a period when I was alone, being with people at work, friends or family or even doing things I enjoyed made me feel happy, or took me out of the space of being depressed for the duration I was out doing things.
After unpacking the events that led to me being in the hospital over Christmas, I assumed that I would feel a lot better and that I could go on with life easily. But that wasn’t the case, I was sad and felt lost. I had no direction and my feelings were heightened because I still didn’t have any answers to what had happened to lead me to the hospital.
I always try to figure things out myself, being left in your thoughts is dangerous as you are only conversing with yourself, even when trying to think positively negative thoughts tend to take over. It has been difficult trying to change my mindset and have conversations with others who may be able to help me because knowing that everyone else is going through something, I feel guilty for potentially overloading them with issues I may be going through.
When I sit down to unpack my journey I realise how much I have missed out on, for over 10 years I have had to navigate managing medication, dealing with pains and making sure that when travelling there is an accessible toilet close by. These things have been stressful, and have gradually taken a toll on me. Now that I am 26 I am struggling as I am putting myself under a lot of pressure.
I am in a weird space where I am seeing friends of the same age getting engaged, purchasing properties and hitting big career goals and I feel like I should be making those same achievements. I sometimes forget that throughout my growing up, I have been battling an illness, an illness that has altered my situation. Having missed exams at school and then being unprepared for the resits. Missing out on moments to increase career goals due to being unwell. I have always felt a sense of guilt when working because I know that my health has never been 100%. The potential of having to take time out because I am in the hospital or feeling unwell for an extended time.
I have generally opted to take the easier option, the option that means that I don’t have to deal with an employer who could make things difficult for me even if that means sacrificing a wage that I believe I am worth.
I have previously spoken about being an adult with an illness, and the extra stress it has given me, it has been a difficult balance of trying to enjoy life but also being healthy. The things that may not have immediately affected me in the past like smoking or drinking have seemed to have caught up with me now. The challenge for me is to now change those bad habits and still enjoy my life.
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