Nothing Hurts Anymore

I wrote my last blog back in February of this year (2023) with that blog I went through my patterns of writing and how when a difficult situation would happen I would begin to write another blog. Well, here I am again. My Blog is one of my safe spaces where I get to talk about all the bullshit that I go through to vent, without realising I notice that others do read it and have an effect on the things I write.

I try to be as honest as I can when writing these blogs but one thing I have never been truly honest about is the condition I have Ulcerative Colitis. I speak about the ups and downs and the flares that I regularly go through, and sometimes the mental ramifications I continually fight, and the impact it has on my day-to-day life.

For the first time I want to help bring understanding to what someone with Ulcerative Colitis (UC) may be going through Ulcerative colitis is an inflammatory bowel disease characterized by chronic inflammation throughout the Gut system. It is a lifelong condition that usually manifests in episodes of flare-ups and remission. Although the exact cause of ulcerative colitis remains unknown, researchers believe it results from a combination of genetic, environmental, and immunological factors.

Symptoms of UC can vary in severity from person to person. 

Common signs and symptoms include:

• Abdominal pain and cramping
• Diarrhoea
• The urgency to use the toilet
• Fatigue and weakness
• Weight loss
• Loss of appetite
• Anaemia
• Joint pain
• Skin problems

Some people with this condition may only experience some of these symptoms, I have experienced all of them from the time that I was diagnosed until now. The biggest battle for me has been managing physical health issues and keeping my mental health in a positive mindset. 

It is easy to tell your friends or family members going through things to keep a positive mind frame and that things will be better when their reality is a shit one. The things that worry me daily are things that many people will never have to experience. A lot of my mornings are spent figuring out routes into work where I know that I will be passing by public toilets just in case I need to make a stop. 

Being an entertainer and DJing for a crowd of people has had a positive and negative impact. The positive is that I have found the thing that brings me the most passion and joy when I am out performing for crowds of people to enjoy.

But the negative is that I have also found a temporary solution to the symptoms that I suffer. When DJing I also drink and in recent times I have found that it suppresses a lot of the symptoms I have, and for a while, I had used alcohol as an excuse or remedy to lessen the stress I go through with these symptoms. I began to feel as if I was relying on drink to keep me from suffering from the symptoms.

I quickly realised that using alcohol as a suppressant was a terrible idea as each time I would stop drinking I felt that I needed to keep drinking to help with the symptoms, even though in reality I seemed to miss the other feelings that came from drinking alcohol.

I was going through a lot of shit that in this short timeframe, I didn’t know how to handle I began to go out every weekend which soon turned into every other day then for a short time became every day. I was bored with work and struggling with having my main way of transport taken away after being in a car crash. The little things that were trivial as one, would all pile into one big issue in a short space of time. 

Although a lot of these issues are still current my recent “fuck it” mental has got me through a dark period. The cards that I have been dealt are not fair, but life was never meant to be a fair game, looking at other situations around the world, I am truly happy to just be alive and with that, I have the goal of living my life in a way that memories can be made with loved ones. 

Life is something that cannot be predicted, and I have no idea how long I have on this earth, with every experience that I have gone through I have become the person I am today, and I hope that every interaction I have with people Is one where I leave a positive impression or memory.

Suffering is something that I have become accustomed to and with every trail I have gone through it has made me stronger, but there’s only so much a person can deal with I write this with the heaviest of hearts, with the world on my shoulders. I want to let go and be free but my time hasn’t come yet so I keep fighting even though I feel it isn’t worth it anymore as Nothing Hurts Anymore.