I'm Running But Can't Run Away

Being told I was having a transplant was difficult to process. I tried to acknowledge and understand how serious things were I didn’t want to believe what was going on.

It is difficult to describe my emotions, I know that I was angry I didn’t have an outlet and kept most of my feelings to myself, I closed up and tried to forget about it. I felt as though I was going through a lot of stress, I had been going through a break up that I struggled with a lot. I was having issues at work. I wanted to give up on everything. I felt worthless in every aspect of my life. I couldn’t find a reason to do anything I mostly stayed in my room, I tried so hard to keep motivated. 

Eventually, I found I was hiding from all my problems, I took more shifts at work to take my mind off off everything that was going on. Although I felt as though my health was getting worse, I was getting more tired, had had more pains in the abdominal area, I was advised to cut down at work and decided to take shorter shifts, sometimes I would need to leave work early because I just felt more unwell whilst working there. So I was forced to try and get my head around what was going on because I had more time to myself. I still ran away from all my problems and tried hard to keep myself occupied, I was meeting up with friends more so that I didn't feel alone and wasn’t left with my thoughts.

The weekend of December 6th it was a Friday night and I had been invited to a friends birthday one of my longest friends, I hadn’t been feeling good the previous weeks but I made the effort to go. It was in Central London and I drove, I had to clear my mind from some of the issues I was going through I got there and there were quite a few people I'm not really confident when it comes to meeting new people so I felt out of place at first I ended up having a good time but felt uneasy at times I left earlier than everyone else as I did not feel well and still had a lot on my mind so I came home and slept. 

Morning of December 7th 2019 

The next day Saturday 7th December, my Mum and I decided to invite some friends and family round for ‘Pre Christmas’ drinks I remember the day, as I woke up the sun was shining brightly through my window, I spent the rest of the day trying to figure how to get Antony Joshuas fight on the TV to watch whilst everyone was around. I drove around picking up different drinks and snacks and a NOW TV stick to stream the fight. 

I got home showered, prepared the TV and waiting with my mum for the guests to arrive. It was a nice evening to vibe, joke eat and drink with family and friends. We watched the fight, I remember my mum screaming every time someone was hit. We celebrated when AJ won and put on some music and just sat down and enjoyed the rest of the night as we spoke and joked with each other. 

After a while, I went upstairs and then sat in my room. I left my phone downstairs which wasn't like me I usually always have my phone with me. After like 5 minutes my mum came calling me, telling me my phone had been ringing multiple times. I was confused because no one calls me and anyone who would have been calling me was downstairs in the living room. I noticed it was an Unknown number and instantly knew it was the hospital calling. My mum then checked her phone and saw several miss calls, I freaked out and didn’t know what to do I was panicking thinking I had missed the calls to come to the hospital for the transplant. I went outside it to some air as I felt light-headed. My mums' phone rang again she answered the call and it was the hospital.   

It was happening. They told my mum they were calling me in to have a liver transplant. Everyone heard the call and came rushing towards us they all grab me and mum, there was screaming, tears and extreme happiness for me but I had no idea what was going to happen. I was thinking about work, my ex-girlfriend. “Who should I tell.” I stepped outside once more I just stared at my phone thinking about what I should do. I texted my manager that I had received the call and was heading to the hospital. I was still contemplating and felt conflicted whether to tell my ex as I knew that night she had gone clubbing with friends and I didn’t want to worry her, but I eventually sent her a message. 

We were told to prepare a bag and wait for the ambulance to come. I phoned my Dad, Sister and both of my Brothers and let them know it was happening. I remember waiting for the ambulance My Brother came to the house and as he came we saw the ambulance pulled up outside. I said goodbye to everyone in the house that wasn’t going to follow us to the hospital and got in the ambulance. We drove to Kings College London Hospital.

We got to the ward I was being admitted to and saw one of the consultants on duty they put me in a room to be prepped I underwent a few tests and had a canular inserted into my hand and put on a hospital gown. I spoke to some of the different doctors to prepare me for the surgery. As this was going on some of my family started to arrive. We were left in the room and I sat in the bed silent. It was happening I was having the transplant. I was afraid but excited. It was all happening so quickly I didn’t have any time to process it. 

The consultant finally came to the room to call me down to the surgery room, I was accompanied by my family, I hugged everyone and we prayed. I was allowed to bring my mum and brother through the surgery doors for one last goodbye before the surgery. I hugged my mum, and then my brother. I felt at ease it was as if with their embrace my worries had gone. I went through to the final set of doors and they prepared me on surgery bed. They put me to ease with some conversation, nut I mostly tried to stay quiet, they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine, and ECG (heart monitor) and inserted a tube to the canular to put me to sleep, as they did this they confirmed who I was and I gave them my date of birth. I don’t remember much before the surgery, the room was quite large and there were a lot of people around.

They put me to sleep, everything that I had been waiting for was happening it had all come down to this moment all my stress and worries about the liver transplant were being dealt with as I slept. 

I appreciate each comment that is left and thanks for continuing to follow my story and read the blogs I want to send my love to everyone reading. 

I hope these blogs are able to give you an understanding of what I have gone through, I have had difficulties reliving each of these blogs I've written but it is important for me to share so others may take something from my journey. although I have gone through a physical battle most of what I have gone through is fighting myself mentally. 

if you are reading this and want to speak personally I am happy to speak with you.  https://keiranmcpherson.blogspot.com/p/ontact-me.html

Love & Guidance 

Keiran