Staying Strong!

Sunday 11th December laying on a bed thinking it was my last moments on this earth. I wished for another chance knowing that I hadn’t achieved what I wanted to, imagining all the places I had yet to visit on the planet, the family and friends I may have been leaving behind. Feeling helpless knowing that I would no longer be around to support and help them in their times of need.

All of these thoughts that I had, I found myself slowly waking back up, my breath began to return, and my eyes slowly opened, I then heard the front door opening and my Aunts voice from downstairs, as I tried to reply but still felt out of breath. She rushed upstairs where she found me laying on my bed, I was able to reposition myself, and explained how I had collapsed throughout the morning. 

My Aunt then checked my Blood pressure which at that time was low, we made the decision to call 111 to get some advice, this was a long waiting process and we were on the phone waiting to get hold of someone for around 2/3 hours. Once we spoke to someone I again explained what had happened whilst also giving a background to my health issues. I was referred to an on-the-phone consultant who would have to call back, I received a call after another 3 hours and the decision was made to send me to King's College A&E. 

14 Days before Christmas, I began to worry about not being home for this period, knowing I had work the next day I was concerned about what they would think and how I would be able to continue working. 

A cab was arranged by the hospital service and during the period of waiting it started to snow, as I sat and waited for the cab I heard families with children outside my bedroom window playing in the snow, I was met with a weird range of emotions thinking back to when I was young playing in the snow, to the age I was now sitting waiting for transport to take me to the hospital. 

The cab arrived and it took my mum and me to Kings College Hospital A&E, I explained to a range of doctors nurses and receptionists the symptoms I had and how I was currently feeling, I sat in the waiting room with my mum and it reminded me of the experience I had when I returned to the hospital after my transplant after I was called in and diagnosed with diabetes. Deja Vu had hit me hard, I didn’t want to be there at the hospital at all, but I knew that if I was to get better and understand what was wrong with me I was in the right place. 

Some blood tests were done which showed the D-dimer level was high (D-dimer - a type of protein the body produces to break down a blood clot.) After finding out these blood levels I was brought into ICU where they were monitoring me, I was taken for a chest scan. I was told that I had blood clots that were in my lungs. Multiple blood clots and some of them were quite big. The hospital staff seemed concerned with what was going on, I was hooked up to an ECG machine which showed that the blood clots were affecting my heart. I was instantly given a blood thinner medication - heparin, to break up the blood clots in my lungs. 

This being my 4th hospital stay in the last 3 years I felt like a resident in the wards. Being in ICU I was restricted to being in bed, I had different lines and cannulas in my body so that medication and fluids could easily be given to me. I knew that I could be more mobile and this frustrated, having to ask to use the toilet and waiting for someone to give me help to do this, I felt embarrassed and lost my sense of dignity. Having family come to visit me in ICU and seeing them emotional as I was back in the hospital, was difficult for me. 

After a few days in ICU, I was stepped down to a ward where I was much happier, I gained my independence back and was able to move around much more, however, I was unable to sleep during the night, and it became a struggle for me to try and stay awake during the day and then fall asleep when it was the time during the night. The constant noises on the ward of machines beeping, and healthcare assistants coming in and out of my room to check on me and other patients on the ward in pain.

Being in the hospital is always strange for me, and this time was no different as it enabled me to rethink the way I was living. I realised I was not taking time to enjoy life and was living being worried about the future when I should be more concerned about the present. Having visits from people was important for me, and honestly some of the people who came to visit me surprised me, I was met with care and love that I didn’t think I would get as it wasn’t the first time I had been in hospital. I was able to appreciate the time people would take out of their day to sit with me, just chat rubbish and see how I was doing. It was the time I was spending with friends and family that kept me going whilst in the hospital. Having lived a life so far that I wanted to show my love and affection by spending quality time with people it was a blessing to receive this for a change.

Although I was still in a ward, I tried to do as much as I could to be on my feet moving around the small room I had. I felt that the health problems I was going through were not necessarily affecting me physically, but it became apparent that I became out of breath quite quickly and felt at times that my heart was under some strain with certain tasks I tried to do. It was another setback for me as I soon realised that things that I wanted to do may not be in my plans for a while, whilst I recovered. I wondered if I would still be able to DJ, work and even drive. I was worried about my future.