Glad You Never Met The Old Me

Christmas was over and so was the time I spent feeling sorry for myself, the old Cliche of “New Year New Me”. With the New Year coming up I was determined to make all the lifestyle changes that needed to be done to fight the struggles I had been going through over the Christmas period. Now began my mission to get back into a routine, get healthy, and think about personal and career goals for the new year. I wanted 2023 to be a new beginning.

I want to take some time to concentrate on my physical and mental health and spend time finding out more about myself, being more selfish and taking all the opportunities to develop more skills.

I needed to get over the current issues I was going through. Colitis is my biggest problem and it has been draining me physically and mentally, as a result, most days I return from work I am exhausted and irritable. Being someone who is mostly chilled out and nonchalant, being frustrated most of the time is difficult, I notice the changes in my mood but sometimes it is hard to fight against it and keep positive. 

Finding a solution that I could live with is my main goal. I had gone through different treatments over the years, some treatments have worked for short periods of time others have not worked at all. August 2022 I began to talk about the last treatment that the consultants could offer me for the time being, before having to have surgery to remove my bowel. 

I had been given all sorts of inflammatory medication to reduce my immune system so that my immune system wasn’t strong enough to attack my lower intestine and bowel. As it had come to a point where I would potentially need to undergo another major surgery I was distraught over the idea. Out of all the solutions, I saw the surgery as the worst thing that could happen, but over time has gone on I have looked at the situation slightly differently, thinking that all I want is to be healthy and if another surgery was needed in the future I would be happy to go through this if it is the best option.

Although I have been having flare-ups throughout the year, I haven’t had to have any further conversations about surgery, and therefore I have just been getting on with things as I normally do. Although it is sometimes hard and challenging I have found that I have made progress and changed a lot as a person. The contrast between when I am having flare-ups when I was 19/20 years old to how I react now shows my strength and maturity. After feeling embarrassed over something that I can’t control. To now acknowledge the feeling of embarrassment, knowing I can’t be in control but not reacting against others who also are not to blame. Things have been slightly better as this year has started and I am able to navigate day-to-day activities much better. 

With all the challenges I have had, I have come to appreciate life more. When you have any type of experience with death you sometimes learn to make changes and appreciate things more. Whether it's the loss of someone close to you or a personal experience with death. 

When I remember laying on my bed I came to accept that my time on this earth had come to an end, I remember feeling an overwhelming sadness but also at peace as everything fell silent for me. As the silence ended, and the noise reentered, thoughts of my family and friends came back.

Building relationships with family and friends has been difficult as I have never felt close to anyone. I am shy and stay far away from any type of situation that may cause conflicts. I have been described as quiet which is accurate most of the time but mostly I am someone who loves meaningful conversations with people who genuinely care to understand me and want to give me an opportunity to learn about them. 

Over the past few years I have come to enjoy the company of some supportive people, and reading the comments when posting these blogs really shows me that people do care and take inspiration from reading the blogs. Writing gives me an outlet and has made a meaningful change in my life that has truly helped me. Knowing that people genuinely care about me and my physical and mental health, and from reading the blogs they are able to take inspiration themselves.