Nothing Was The Same.

Hi, guys, it's me again.

Following on from my diagnosis of Autoimmune liver disease a year later I was then diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis (UC). 

UC is also an autoimmune disease that attacks the bowels. 

Up to this point, I still hadn’t experienced any physically painful symptoms from any of the illnesses I had. 

I continued to try and live a normal teenage life except for taking up to 6 or more different types of medication a day. 

In school, we had just begun year 11 all my friends were hosting house parties and different events as it was the year were going to leave had school and had either already turned or were turning 16. I remember going to house parties and noticing others drinking alcohol, knowing that I can’t join in because it could be detrimental to my health and was recommended by health professionals that I did not drink or smoke. 

This frustrated me, and the following year 2013 I started drinking socially. I made the choice myself because I wanted to be like everyone else. The summer holidays had come and all I cared about after receiving my GCSE results were the memories I was going to make with my friends. I was leaving my school to study a course in plumbing at a college. So I made it an excuse that it was the last chance I would get to see some of my school friends. I guess you could call these my rebellious years when I started college I started smoking, taking my medication less and just getting on with what I thought was life.

I got my first job in a shop in Wembley. I started earning my own money and enjoyed my life, even more, I had responsibilities something that I had wanted to give me some kind of purpose at this point. I stopped going out as much and concentrated on the job I also started to go to church more regularly. I left my job and college in 2015 to begin an apprenticeship in housing services at a big housing association. I was earning a decent wage, I was in a serious relationship and was happy with where I was at this point in my life.

November 2015 just after my birthday is where things changed for me the life I had been living previously had completely turned around and UC started to become a more prominent role in my daily life. 

So going back to Ulcerative Colitis the major symptom you may experience is going to the toilet quite often and sometimes not being able to control when you may need to use the toilet.

I spent the best of two years 2016 and 2017 planing my life around a toilet, I had to make sure that if I was going somewhere I had to know that a toilet is close by. I had already stopped smoking and drinking less as these things seemed to aggravate UC. I started taking my medication regularly hardly missing out doses. 

I remember taking my now ex-partner to a Drake concert for our Anniversary / Valentines and having a great time. Those of you who have been to concerts at the o2 or big venues know how much of a myth it is to get to the train station once the concert has ended. Now, why is it when standing in the middle of this big crowd do I feel the urge to use the toilet. At this point I was just angry with the world, I thought I was going to embarrass myself and my partner. We finally got on the train and needed to only stay for one-stop as I had parked my car close to Canning Town station. All this time I am praying and trying my best to hold my bowels. This was a really sticky situation and I was getting pissed at literally everything, “why is the train moving so slow”. “Why are these people walking so slow”. “Why is my girl moving so slow she knows what's going on”. These people and the train were probably moving fast or at their normal pace but to me, it was too slow. Finally, we got to my car and I sped ‘within the speed limit’ home. I had made it to the toilet just in time. But this single feeling of needing the toilet and feeling embarrassed had ruined the whole night. Nothing else mattered to me at that time. 

The whole year I had moments like these, waking up from sleep having to run to the toilet, leaving meetings and cutting important phones short as I needed the toilet.

For me, a bittersweet moment was the holidays that I went on during this time for Christmas in 2017 I went to the Dominican Republic. It was a beautiful country and I was with amazing company however it was quite possibly the worst holiday for me because I was unable to enjoy the way I would have wanted as I was always on edge wondering if I would need the toilet. Many a time I would leave the family setting to use the toilet or in-fact I mostly stayed in the hotel room so that I was really close to a restroom.

Before going to DR my work contract had ended so I was now unemployed. I came back to London and I truly felt I had hit rock bottom. I was depressed. Emotionally and physically drained, I had little money but had a lifestyle that I still wanted to maintain.  

Everything was really becoming too much, my solace in a way was my ex-partner and seeing my nephew who just made me feel like Keiran when everything was closing in on me. 

I went for walks along the A13, a couple times walking across cross-bridges contemplated suicidal thoughts. But I also came back to something that I heard in church that was ‘God gives his toughest challenges to those he thinks can endure, becoming his strongest soldiers’. 

A message I received from my Dad was "The journey you are on is long there has been laughter and tears but that's what has made you the person you are today. You are strong."

I hope you enjoyed this post this was maybe one of the more challenging times I have endured with these illnesses. 

Next post on the 20.04.2020

And if you haven’t yet, check out my previous post. 

Love & Guidance 

Keiran x