Guilty

Navigating life with a long-term illness comes with its challenges, my biggest challenge is feeling confident in myself to have any plans for my future. 

When I woke up on Sunday 11th December 2022 I had no idea that I would have been placed in the hospital after collapsing at home during the day. But this put things into perspective for me as I felt that I started to become complacent with how I lived, I wasn’t really looking after myself, my diet was bad, I didn’t exercise at all and I was even smoking cigarettes and vapes. 

From when I started smoking I knew it wasn’t good for me, I had no reason for doing it, I myself didn’t like any aspect of the smell, taste but when I got into stressful periods I would fall back into smoking as I felt it relieved the stress somehow, I know ultimately this is nonsense. 

As I sat and told the consultants about my smoking habits they explained how it could’ve been a contributing factor to my having blood clots. However, it was explained to me as I was a sufferer of Ulcerative Colitis and having had a large surgery some 3 years ago that it was likely the illnesses that I had that caused the blood clots.

It is said that patients with an IBD illness have an elevated risk 3 times more of developing deep vein thrombosis or pulmonary embolism compared with the general population. And those with an active flare are 8 times more likely. I was a UC Patient and had currently been going through a flare-up that had been on and off throughout the year 2022.

This meant that at the time of the collapse, I was 8 times more likely to have developed blood clots. It was scary to hear the consultants speak about these blood clots, they described them as large and plentiful. Blood Clots were something I had never really come across before, but I knew they were dangerous I was unsure of how they would affect me. Knowing that they were affecting my heart scared me even more. I joked to myself how my heart was broken due to previous failed relationships, but to potentially have my heart actually “break” due to these blood clots was a crazy idea to me. 

I struggled to understand the impact of what was going on but I was lucky that my mind and mental health were in a good place. I knew that as soon I was able to I would take the life that I had and live! I wanted to make the rest of my life the best of my life. Doing this meant coming out of my comfort zone, DJing more, spending time with loved family and friends, and not holding on to the past or worrying about the future.

I had spent a total of 7 days in the hospital, even having to watch the World Cup Final on my laptop screen which was an experience in itself, sitting in a quiet hospital ward being excited as France and Argentina go head to head, having to mute my cheers when a goal was scored. I was relieved when I got home but also confused as a lot had happened in such a short space of time. I didn’t really get any information about what had actually happened to me. I was concerned about my lungs and heart, at this stage didn’t know how badly they had been affected by the blood clots.

Maybe it was some type of confirmation bias but when I did return home all these things that I was told had been affected by the blood clots, seemed to start having a physical effect on me when I returned home. I felt that my lungs were tighter as I started to do normal activities in the house, like showering or walking up and down the stairs sometimes even speaking I felt out of breath. I started to notice my heart beating slightly faster, I was scared but also very keen to get back to my normal day-to-day life.

It was Christmas time and I had yet to get presents for the family, and this particular Christmas I wanted to do what I could to treat my Mum and her Partner especially. During the time I was in the hospital, my Mum and her Partner were supposed to be away on holiday for a break in Turkey but as I was in the hospital they decided to cancel, I was devastated that they had done this and although I’ve been reassured I’ve always held some blame to the fact they didn’t get to go away to relax and enjoy themselves. I have always been someone that cares for others' needs rather than my own, so I hope that someday I am able to repay them in some way in the future.

It is important to understand that although I was sent home from the hospital I was still struggling with symptoms of Ulcerative Colitis. I wouldn’t wish a disease like UC on anyone. Christmas Day was a struggle as I woke up pleased to be home but rushing to the
toilet close to every hour. As a family tradition, we wake up to have breakfast which is usually prepared by my mum, she would usually make Ackee and Saltfish - But this year I decided not to eat fearing that the food would go straight through me and I would need to rush to the toilet. I lay in my room until my Mum and her Partner had finished and then came down to give and receive presents. I had gone shopping a few days before with a friend to try and get presents for them both.

For dinner, my older brother came around I tried to enjoy the meal but not only was I having to rush to the toilet I was in pain, and totally drained. I felt embarrassed and couldn’t even finish the food that had been prepared. I ended up leaving everyone at the dinner table and went to my room. As I sat there I felt angry, why was this happening to me why couldn’t I just be normal and enjoy Christmas Day with my family? This cycle of having frequent flare-ups with colitis was becoming a regular thing and was truly demoralising.